Imagine this scenario. You're at a party without your significant other. A guy comes up to you and starts chatting with you and you can tell he is interested. You play along because he's cute and flirting can be fun, but you have no intention of hooking up with him or even giving him your number. At the end of the night, you're on your way home and your friends ask about your conversation with the guy. "What will your boyfriend think of that?" they ask. You hadn't considered this. To you, the flirting was harmless, something to pass the time, or even boost your self esteem a little. But now that your friends bring it up you wonder, "did I just cheat on my boyfriend?"
So, is flirting cheating? The answer isn't so simple. First off, everyone has a different definition of cheating, and flirting can range from a simple smile to grinding on the dance floor. Still, to attempt to get to the bottom of this complicated question, I talked to Maria Sullivan, Vice President and Dating Expert of Dating.com about cheating, flirting, and how it could affect your relationship.
First, I think it's important to define cheating, because many people have different definitions of the term. According to Maria, "cheating is any behavior that you are actively encouraging and participating in, and wouldn’t want your partner to know about." While she explains that it can take place over the phone or text, cheating "is typically tied to something physical." That being said, there is also emotional cheating, which Maria defines as a partner "directing their time, concentration and energy towards someone other than the person they are in a relationship with, to the extent that their actual partner feels neglected."
Maria points out though, the emotional cheating isn't synonymous with flirting because it includes a lack of trust that "crosses over beyond physical, into the deep-rooted and active thought process behind it."
So, with all that being said, Maria doesn't categorize flirting as cheating. "Humans are meant to interact with curiosity and those interactions have endless interpretations – meaning not every flirting scenario is encouraged by both parties or interpreted through the same context," she says. While one person may be thinking, "wow this girl is totally flirting with me," the girl may just think she's being friendly.
Also, many people are just naturally flirting. They smile at people or maybe they wink a lot, things that many people equate with flirting. But just because you compliment someone's outfit doesn't mean you want to make out with them. Maria suggests that if naturally flirting is part of your personality, "your partner should already be fully aware and comfortable with this aspect of your character." If they aren't, it's time to have a conversation.
Still though, some people do consider flirting cheating. In a very un-scientific poll that I posted on my Instagram story, 34% of respondents said they consider flirting to be cheating. Maria insists that if one partner in a relationship is concerned about flirting, those thoughts are completely valid. "Their concerns must also be heard and addressed to ensure a healthy relationship," she says. Often, dating someone who is flirtatious can lead to jealousy and though your actions may not be physical and they may not mean anything at all, if they are upsetting your partner, it's important to have a discussion about it.
If this is an issue for you and your partner, Maria suggests creating guidelines and distinguishing what is off limits (don't flirt with exes, don't accept a free gift).
It's impossible to say if flirting is cheating or not. It depends on the context of the flirting, how far the flirting goes, and the opinions of those involved in the relationship. So, it's important to have a discussion with your S.O. and ask if they consider flirting cheating and what is off limits when it comes to the act. When in doubt, though, Maria has a pretty easy metric to consider. "If you wouldn’t do it in front of your partner, you should consider not taking part."
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Carolyn Twersky is an associate editor for Seventeen covering celebrities, entertainment, politics, trends, and health. On her off time, she's probably watching Ru Paul's Drag Race, traversing NYC for the best donuts, or, most likely, enjoying time in her favorite place in the world: her bed.
