There’s no way around it: rejection stings. We all know how it feels to be crushing hard on someone, and when those feelings aren’t reciprocated, it hurts. But it’s also not fair to string someone along when you know you’re not attracted or interested in dating them. Yes, it could be awkward, but a direct and thoughtful conversation will help you avoid uncomfortable situations in the future and allow them to process their feelings and move on.
“While it may feel good to have someone who has a crush on you, if you know that it will never happen, letting them know allows them to move past you so they can focus on other people,” Tess Brigham, MFT, BCC, therapist and life coach, explains.
Although it may be easier said than done, knowing how to kindly tell someone you don’t like them is important — plus, it’s much better than ghosting or leading someone on. Just remember to be thoughtful and straightforward. Here, Brigham and Sara Kuburic, an existential therapist who specializes in relationships, break down all of the expert-approved tips of telling someone you’re just not that into them.
Keep it short and sweet
Don’t over-explain or list all the detailed reasons why you don’t like them. “The nicest thing you can do is be direct and kind,” Kuburic says. Pointing out flaws or faults doesn’t help the other person, Brigham adds. Instead, simply explain that you don’t have romantic feelings for them and would rather be friends.
“You want to be thoughtful in how you approach the situation. Choose your words carefully,” Brigham continues. “If you're someone who gets nervous easily it might be good to practice what you're going to say to a friend or even in the mirror first to make sure you have the right tone.”
The same goes for texts, too. If you’re telling someone you don’t like them over text, keep it concise. Again, focus on the lack of romantic connection or spark, Brigham notes. “It's easy to misinterpret text messages since it's just words, which is why you want to use this neutral language like connection, vibe, or match,” she adds.
Try out one of these expert suggestions from Brigham and Kuburic:
- “I get the sense that you are romantically interested and I just wanted to let you know that I only see you as a friend.”
- “I enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t think we are too compatible.”
- “You are great, but I’m just not feeling a spark. I want to be honest and not give you any false hope.”
- “I really enjoyed our time together but I'm not feeling a connection.”
- “I always appreciate it when people are direct with me so I want to be direct with you and while I really liked getting to know you I don't think we're a good match.”
- “I care for you as a friend but I don't have romantic feelings for you.”
Get the timing and setting right
While you can’t always control this (say, if they asked you on a date right after third period or before their soccer semifinal), try to time your let-down thoughtfully. “You want to do it somewhere private at a time when neither of you has something really difficult or stressful happening immediately afterwards,” Brigham explains. “You don't want to break someone's heart right before a big exam or performance.”
If possible, privacy is key. “Maybe don’t break the news in front of their friends or on their birthday if you can avoid it,” Kuburic adds.
Drop some hints
If you’re not ready or don’t feel comfortable directly telling this person that you don’t have feelings for them, give them some subtle and indirect clues. For example, if they ask to hang out, suggest going out with a group of friends instead. Or just say you’re busy when they ask for plans. Avoid spending time together one-on-one.
You could also mention going on dates with other people, or being interested in someone else. “Don’t keep it a secret,” Kuburic says. If they know that you’re actively flirting or hanging out with another person, that may give them the push to move on.
Put them in the friend zone in a low-key way. “You can tell this person how much you enjoy your friendship and that you don't want anything to get in the way of that,” Brigham adds. This doesn’t have to be said in response to them saying they like you, but rather in a casual and conversational way.
Don’t flirt with them, both Brigham and Kuburic emphasize, as that could give this person false hope and might later cause confusion.
Don’t ghost
If you’ve gone on a few dates and aren’t feeling it but they’re still clearly interested, send them a text, tell them in person, or on the phone that you’d rather be friends. As tempting as it is to just ignore their calls and texts and try to avoid them, ghosting can be hurtful and it’s not always an effective way to get the message across that you’re not interested.
“[Ghosting] can create potential for awkward run-ins,” Kuburic says. “It also often implies that they were not worth our time or a conversation, and makes someone question what they did wrong without being able to get an answer.”
“We all say that we want respect from each other, especially when it comes to dating and since you can only control yourself, focus on what you can control, which is not ghosting people and telling them straight up how you feel,” Brigham adds. “It makes your life easier and cleaner.”
Leah Campano is an Associate Editor at Seventeen, where she covers pop culture, entertainment news, health, and politics. On the weekends, you can probably find her watching marathons of vintage Real Housewives episodes or searching for New York City’s best almond croissants.
